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NutWorks, September 1985
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*** ***
*** ***
*** NutWorks ***
*** ---------- ***
*** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those ***
*** Who Believe Reality is a Concept, ***
*** That Has No Place in Life. ***
*** ***
*** Septmember 1985, Issue 1, Volume II. NutWorks is Published ***
*** monthly. Leonard M. Friedman aka Spock (CALBC821@CUNYVM) ***
*** Virtual Editor in Chief. ***
*** ***
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Editor's Comments
=================
Well folks do to circumstances beyond his control (the FBI being
after him) Brent CJ Britton is now residing in another country waiting
for the heat to blow off. Through my various underground contacts I was
able to contact Brent and obtained two things from him. The first was
editorship of this magazine and the second was the interview which I
included below. I would like to thank Brent wherever he is for allowing
me to carry on the name of NutWorks and I wish him the best of luck in
avoiding the Feds.
Nutworks will be avialable for Bitnet users on the Forum Conferr-
ing system via the /getf Nutworks Issue### command. Back issues
have already been placed on Forum. For Usenet users it will be avail-
able through Alan (ALAN@NCSUVM.bitnet). For more information please
consult the NutWorks Info File availalbe in a solar system near you !!!
In order to get this issue out as soon as possible I will just close
my comments by thanking my staff and all the people who contributed art-
icles to this issue and all the people who have made NutWorks a succes
in the past and I am sure will make it a success in the future.
Now onto the real stuff !!!
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NutWorks News
=============
1) The next netcon is approximately four (4) weeks away. The cost is
$71 for three nights. It is being held at The Mariott hotel in Washin-
gton D.C. The dates are October 11 - 14. Money is due by the end of
this week.
All Checks should be made out to:
Lynn Snyder and Tim Dilauro
Checks for Netcon should be sent to:
Lynn Snyder
3001 Huntington Avenue
Apt 2
Baltimore Maryland 21211
For further information on the Netcon contact:
Marce MARCE @ BITNIC
Lynn L64A1584 @ JHUVM
2) It is rumored that the Billy Martin fight was better than the fight
between Holmes and Spinks.
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An Interview With Brent CJ Britton
Former Editor of NutWorks
==================================
When asked why he had given up the Editor's position at NutWorks
magazine, Mr. Britton, bewteen sips on a Mt. Dew 'n' gyn 'n' tonic, had
this to say:
"Well, NutWorks was just this magazine, you know? I mean, sure, it
was nice at first.. real nice. Had a few really good people working
for me. Real pro's of prose you might say.. heh heh.. Yup. It was great.
But then some of 'em, well, you know.. they just started getting into
all this technical bullsh*t... started suggesting things like putting in
all sorts of "This Page Intentionaly Left Blank." They even wanted me to
start using Waterloo Script for Gawd's Sake! Well, I just kinda figured
that it'd be best if I just let the magazine go and stuck to my drug
smuggling.. OOPS! Hey, you're not gonna *print* that or anything are
you? I mean, I was just kidding... I really don't smuggle drugs or
anything... hey where you going? Oh sh*t..."
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How To Run Multi-Talk AND Keep Your Sanity
(both in one day)
by Billy at BMACADM
==========================================
Welcome fellow users if Bitnet. As you all have read about the mis-
use or abuse of the networks with the use of a chat, we will look
into the abuse that a chat operator takes in one days time not only
from the users of the chat but also from the students, and heads
from CUNYVM. It is almost 8:00 p.m. the bewitching hour for me. The
time when I bring up Multi-Talk. The system comes up ASUACAD all the
way down to WEIZMANN sign-on to do what people regularly do....CHAT.
By the time 8:30 comes around, total count of users are 17. I am
biting my nails praying that my bosses dont find out why there are
no jobs coming out... I come up with excuses from cuny is slow...
to Cuny is having problems with their 3081k. At this time students
start grumbling and start screaming where the F--K is my job? I ran
it 45 minutes ago!!!!
Then I say non-chalantly let me check the queue:
I do an SM NETWORK Q SYS Q
The system replies LINK CUNYJES3 connect P=3 S=6 Q=99 R=0
The third letter 'Q' deals with the queue or backlog of jobs waiting to
come back .....I start lying that there are only 2 jobs waiting to be
printed.
I quiet down the people for awhile that is until I sign on to Multi-
Talk....there I beg for people please shut-up for ten minutes so we can
get our jobs out............
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Spock's Proverbs
====================
Here are 30 familiar sayings in rather unfamiliar language. To give you
an example of what it's all about, the first one is, "Like father, like
son."
Get it? Answers supplied below, courtesy of the Ailanthus Tree.
1. Similar sire, similar scion.
2. Precipitancy creates prodigality.
3. Tenants of vitreous abodes ought to hurl no lithohidal fragments.
4. It is not proper for mendicants to be indicatrous of preferences.
5. Compute not your immature gallinaceens prior to their being
produced.
6. It is fruitless to become lacrymous because of scattered lacteal
fluid.
7. Cleave gramineous matter for fodder during the period that the orb
of the day is refulgent.
8. A feline possesses the power to contemplate a monarch.
9. Pulchritude does not extend below the surface of the derma.
10. Failure to be present causes the vital organ to become more
enamored.
11. Every article which coruscates is not fashioned from aureate metal.
12. Freedom from guile or fraud constitutes the most excellent princ-
iple of procedure.
13. Each canine passes through his period of per-eminence.
14. Consolidated, you and I maintain ourselves erect; separated, we
defer to the law of gravity.
15. You cannot estimate the value of the contents of a bound, printed
narrative, or record from its exterior vesture.
16. Folks deficient in ordinary judgment scurringly enter areas on
which celestial beings dread to set foot.
17. Liquid relish for the female anserine fowl is the individual
condiment for the male.
18. A feathered creature clasped in the manual members is equal in
value to a brace in the bosky growth.
19. The individual of the class aves, arriving before appointed time,
seizes the invertebrate animal of the group vermes.
20. Socially orientated individuals tend to congregate in gregariously
homogeneous groupings.
21. One may address a member of the equidae family toward aqueous
liquid, but one is incapable of impelling him to quaff.
22. Forever refrain from enumerating the dental projection of a
bequeathed member of the equidae family.
23. One pyrus malus per diem restrains the arrival of the hippocratic
apostle.
24. Fondness for notes of exchange constitutes the tuberous structure
of all satanically inspired principles.
25. Supposing one primarily fails to be victorious. Bend further eff-
orts in that direction.
26. Prudence and sagacity are the worthier condiments of intrepid
courage.
27. Be adorned with the pedal encasement that gives comfort.
28. He who expresses merriment in finality expresses merriment excell-
ing either in equal quality.
29. A beholden vessel never exceeds 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
30. A rotating lithohidal fragment never accrues lichen.
Mr. Spock's Proverbs, in human English
--- ------- --------- -- ----- -------
1. Like father, like son.
2. Haste makes waste.
3. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
4. Beggars can't be choosers.
5. Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.
6. Don't cry over spilled milk.
7. Make hay while the sun shines.
8. Even a cat may look at a king.
9. Beauty is only skin deep (?)
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
11. All that glitters isn't gold.
12. Honesty is the best policy.
13. Every dog has its day.
14. Together we stand, divided we fall.
15. You can't judge a book by its cover.
16. Fools step in where angels fear to tread.
17. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
18. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
19. The early bird gets the worm.
20. Birds of a feather flock together.
21. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
22. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.
23. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
24. Greed for money is the root of all evil.
25. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26. Discretion is the better part of vallor.
27. If the shoe fits, wear it.
28. He who laughs last laughs best.
29. A watched pot never boils.
30. A rolling stone gathers no moss.feather flock together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW OPERATING SYSTEM
IBM VU/OS
(UCPL030@UNLVM Contributor)
====================
With increasing demands for faster operating systems, IBM has announced
the Virtual Universe Operating System (VU/OS). Running under VU/OS each
universe in which the programmer signs on can set up or take down prog-
rams, data sets, system networks, personnel and planetary systems. By
simply specifying the desired universe the VU/OS system generation
Program (IEHGOD) does the rest. This program, resident in SYS1.GODLIB,
requires a minimum of 6 days of activity and 1 day of review. In con-
junction with VU/OS, all system utilities have been replaced by one
program IEHPROPHET which resides in SYS1.MESSIAH. No forms or control
cards are necessary since the program knows what you want to do when it
is to be executed.
Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophisticat-
ion in the data processing field if an efficient utilization of VU/OS
is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for inst-
ance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job. Although
IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States, is working
on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead
of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be careful
for the present to stay within the laws of physics. VU/OS will run on
any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature. Rental is twenty
million dollars per cpu/nanosecond. Micro-code assist will be available
for all odd-numbered processors to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU
clock times. This feature will be prerequisite for the implementation
of the University of Nebraska virtual date package.
Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems
and hardware to VU/OS as soon as engineers effect one output that is
(conceptually) error-free. This will give us a base to develop an even
more powerful operating system, target date 2001, designated "Virtual
Reality". VR/OS is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally
unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference, a
linear arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments
of now will be established. Its name will be SYS1.est.
For information, call your IBM data processing representative.
(Reprinted from the February '80 Rutgers Newsletter)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Dog Sex
==========
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or
Boy or something. I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very
embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran
away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came
along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4:00
A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next
Thursday.
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a
lisence for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one, too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care
how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had
Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have
been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I
wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until
after the wedding. I said, "But Sex played a big part of my
life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he
didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the
wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were
married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred
from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon.
When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted
a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. The
clerk said that every room in the motel is for Sex. Then I
said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
And the clerk said, "Me, too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said,
"Show-off" I told him it was a contest and he told me I
should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married." And the Judge said. "Me, too." When I told him
that after I was married Sex left me, he said, "Me, too."
Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced
and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with
the psychiatrist and she said, "What seems to be the
trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left my life. It's like
losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said,
"Look Mister, you and I both know that Sex isn't man's best
friend- So GET YOURSELF A DOG!!!"
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